There used to be a list of forbidden discussion topics, including sex, adoption, religion and politics.

Today we openly discuss these with family and strangers with few qualms. In many families, money remains on the list of forbidden topics. This inability to discuss how we view money, our money history and how it influences our decisions, can lead to high stress in our relationships.

Counselors see this in relationship roadblocks between couples. Attorneys, financial advisors, religious leaders see it manifested in the inability to come to agreement or decisions. It can get in the way of moving forward with our family, career and life goals.

As people live longer, intergenerational conversations become more important for all involved. For the older generation, Social Security and company pensions offered financial security. With longer lives and decreased inflation adjustments, many find income falling short. Younger generations must plan to finance their own retirement. Most likely with less government program support. Planning and preparing for potential events can help all deal with difficult decisions. What would you do if Mom or Dad can no longer afford their home? Who will make medical decisions if you are disabled? There are options however the best ones require time to work through. If the family waits until the bills are overdue or disability occurs, the options are less desirable.

I find that children may have trouble getting Mom and Dad to talk about their finances and legacy plans. Or they may not want to talk about it themselves. It can be especially difficult if the picture is not pretty. Mom and Dad may be concerned about being perceived as showing favoritism if they make their plans known. You can assure that financial plans, gifting, estate plans, medical needs and decisions are covered without having to divulge all the details.

Perhaps the hardest part about having a discussion about money with your adult children or your elderly parents is starting it. Once you've broken the ice, you may be surprised at how smoothly this critical communication can flow. Here are some tips to help you prepare for the conversation:

• Schedule the time and prepare the setting. As tempting as it is to start a conversation when your family is together for the holidays or a major occasion, it's a good idea to separate financial conversations from the actual celebration.

Ask your family to stick around a day or so after the main event. Arrange a quiet, private setting. For example, it's a good idea to set out some snacks and coffee, but avoid a situation where family members will want to help with food preparation or cleanup. Provide an outside activity or babysitter for small children if possible. Gather important materials and make copies in advance.

• Start slowly and on a neutral note. Outright questions or advice can put family members on the defensive. Plant the seed of the idea by referencing an event or situation outside the family, perhaps something you've read about or heard in your neighborhood. Indicate that your family can benefit by beginning this conversation before a crisis arises.

• Address the difficulty of the conversation. Family members sometimes feel anxious and defensive when it comes to financial matters, which can make us feel awkward about bringing up the subject. Use "I" statements to explain upfront why you want to have the discussion.

• Be direct and clear about your goals and plans. These discussions can carry an emotional element that makes it challenging for people to absorb essential information. Avoid beating around the bush or using vague, fuzzy language. It helps to put key elements in writing ahead of time. Realize that family members may need time to process information and respond.

• Know what you need to discuss. Sharing life plans and goals with those closest to you is an act of caring. Financial situations will vary with each family, but there are a few basic topics that apply to most. A few topics you may want to cover in your discussion include:

- Health issues as they relate to finances: Is insurance adequate? Who will make healthcare decisions if the individual family member can't? How much coverage do you need for long-term care?

- Living arrangements: Is a move likely in the next few years? If assistance becomes necessary, what form should it take?

- Income: Is it adequate to meet needs and last a full lifespan?

- Investments: Are they appropriate for the stage of life and risk tolerance? Can sufficient assets be readily accessed in a crisis? Where is documentation and contact information for asset holders or financial advisors?

- Estate plans: Is there a will? How will property and keepsakes be divided? What causes or organizations will benefit? If plans are to treat family members disproportionately, but it's better to provide some level of knowledge ahead of time than to spark a feud at the time of a death.

During Your Family Financial Conversation

During your conversation, it's important to consider how things may impact each of the different members of your family.

• Create a dialogue, not a lecture. Sharing information across generations can benefit both younger and elder family members. Solicit each other's ideas, suggestions and opinions. Listen without judging or over-questioning.

To make advice easier to swallow, elders can share mistakes they made and lessons they learned. Younger adult children can keep elders up to date about financial trends and opportunities and tools for managing finances. Be a resource for others by offering materials and contact information for professional guidance.

• Account for differences in types of relationships. Within a family, some relationships may be closer and more confiding than others; some more independent, even estranged. Similarly, financial status and knowledge typically vary widely across families.

These differences impact how various members receive, respond and share information. It's often a good idea to consult with selected family members beforehand about whom to include and then to be sensitive during the conversation about how various family members may be processing information.

• Be prepared for contrasting perceptions. Beware of assuming that each family member has heard everything in the same way. Family members are likely to have separate perceptions of how much information has been shared and the effectiveness of previous conversations. For that reason, it is important to recap what has been discussed at the end of each meeting and at the beginning of the next.

• Agree to disagree without being disagreeable. Even within a close, loving family, opinions will vary. When it comes to allotting costs or dividing property, particularly cherished mementoes, resolution can take time.

At the start of your conversation, address the need for accommodation and compromise, and set some ground rules for courtesy and civility. If things get too hot, take a break.

After Your Family Financial Conversation

Having the conversation isn't enough. You also need to decide what else needs to be done.

• Plan for next steps. Sharing financial information works best as a continuing process, not a once-and-done task. Expect to need follow-up meetings and regular updates. Conditions change over time, and decisions made at one meeting often require reconsideration later.

• Set dates and accountability. At the end of each family conversation, make a list to share of tasks to be accomplished, deadlines and accountability. Start by volunteering to undertake a particular task by a certain date, then ask others to say what they will do and when.

These discussions are not always easy.  They can be made productive rather than destructive by following some of these ideas.  Strive to keep all focused on the ultimate goal, not the specific sticky items.

Check out this article from the Wall Street Journal for some additonal ideas.